Hello my pretties, are you ready to find out what happens next with our Merry Band of Protesters? I can’t wait!
Remember last time we were left with Vince, who really needs to grow a mustache so he can start twirling it, and Rhonda meeting with the clinic owners and their lawyers in LA to plot out a lawsuit against our poor innocent protesters who have never done anything wrong (except of course forthe time that random college student protester tried to punch a guy, but we’llignore that because he was egged on by
Stephen Vince). I still don’tthink a name partner at a major law firm would go along with knowinglysubmitting a doctored tape in to evidence, but whatevs.
Creepy Colonel Control Freak is mad, very mad. He’s being
sued in federal court, even after all of his control freak efforts to make sure
the protesters behaved. While he’s busy storming about the room, poor little
Suzie is sitting quivering in fear over the lawsuit. “She was being sued in
federal court–one million dollars plus attorney fees. Suzie O’Dell, college
sophomore and mobster.”
The mobster thing must mean this is a RICO action, so I’m
super stoked because I know all about the controlling legal precedent, I
researched NOW v. Scheidler back when
I was writing a paper on everyone’s favorite masked internet vigilantes,
Anonymous. We shall see whether Michael Farris knows what he’s talking about
with RICO and it will be splendid.
Creepy Colonel Control Freak is still ranting and raving.
“I will have this lawyer’s license. He has to
know all this is a wicked sham. These people have no shame, no, shame!” The
colonel’s voice echoed down the hallway. “How can these people say these
“People who kill babies for a living will say anything.” The
voice was Shirley Alper’s. She stood in the hallway, along with Pastor Randy
Wallace, who had once again given her a ride to the colonel’s house. Both were
upset but in control.
Two things. Who actually says phrases like “wicked sham”? And
why is Shirley constantly hitching rides with Pastor Randy Wallace? If I didn’t
know any better about Farris’ writing style I’d be thinking this meant an affair
I really don’t like this Colonel fellow. He’s back to
bitching about Ginny being late, even though this time she wasn’t and he just
missed her coming into the room. Anyway, Creepy Colonel Control Freak trying to
apologize and Ginny taking the blame and saying she deserves it gets
interrupted by Pastor Randy Wallace jumping in over everyone else who is
talking so he can sermonize to them about how it’s “the enemy” as in “the enemy
of our souls” trying to sow division between them and so they shouldn’t fight
should beg God for His intervention.
Annnnnd, because he’s got to be in charge of everything, and
I do mean everything, Colonel Control Freak takes over the praying too. “Not a
prayer of fear, nor of desperation. But the fervent prayer of a man who had
flown time and again into the face of mortal danger, knew the risk, but
undertook the mission anyway because he knew it was right.”
Umm, last I checked, getting sued under RICO isn’t mortal
danger. Just saying.
Here’s where I know
Farris has never actually met or hung out with pro-life activists. They end
their 45 minute, tearful prayer session by breaking into singing, “Blest be the
tie that binds.” No, no way. They would totally be singing “Awesome God” in
that scenario. That was the song of the pro-life movement in the ‘90s.
Okay, hang on to your hats, I’m about to RAEG again right
Creepy Colonel Control Freak asks if anyone knows a lawyer.
When Suzie, who, let me remind you, is the only competent one in this whole outfit,
pipes up that she does, she instantly gets shot down.
”You do?” Shirley laughed a little
incredulously. “When have you needed a lawyer?”
“Oh, it’s not like that. I used to babysit for this lawyer
in Spokane. He and his wife have the cutest little girl. I know them from my
“Suzie, I’m sure he’s very nice, but this is a very special
case, and we need someone who is used to complex suits. Lots of experience,
that sort of thing,” the colonel said with a tone that meant it was time to
move on. “Anyone else know an experienced lawyer?”
“We have a man in our church,” Randy said, “but I think he
only does wills and corporations.”
“Well, maybe he could refer us to someone who would be
“Good idea,” Shirley said. “Let’s call him at home. Do you
know his number, Pastor?”
As I’ve already said, Suzie is the only one in this band of
keystone cops who is even remotely competent, but when she says she knows a
lawyer they all laugh her off. Hello, I don’t know what universe these clowns live
in, but in this universe lawyers are a dime a dozen and it’s not the least bit
unusual for a college student to know one. But they just laugh at her.
And when she explains that she knows the guy because she
babysat his kid, Colonel Control Freak mansplains to her that they need someone
good because this is such a complicated case and she’s apparently too stupid to
know or understand that it’s complex because she’s a female person and a young
one at that, and she shouldn’t be worrying her pretty little head about things
she doesn’t understand.
Meanwhile, pastor dude mentions someone in his church and
they all jump on the idea of calling the guy at home on the weekend for a
referral. Because pastor dude is a man and an important one at that and so his
Do they bother to ask Suzie, again, the only one in the group who ever actually does anything what kind
of law her lawyer friend practices, or oh, I don’t know, anything at all? Nope.
Because they’re awful people and it’s only chapter six and I want them all to
Anyhoo, lawyer that pastor dude knows isn’t at home, so
Suzie, after being shot down so rudely, and almost biting her tongue to keep
quiet, decides to speak up and damn, I feel so bad for her because they’re
awful to her and she’s been beaten down so that even though she’s the only
competent one there she’s afraid to speak.
”Colonel, I don’t want to be rude, by my lawyer
friend in Spokane does have experience. I used to read about this big case he
did in the newspapers and I even saw him on TV. We prayed about it in church a
lot, something involving the Supreme Court in Washington. He won a lot of
“Suzie,” the colonel began gently, “the Supreme Court of
Washington is a state court. We need someone with federal court experience. And
besides, he’s all the way in Spokane.”
“No,” Suzie said suddenly. “I don’t mean the Supreme Court
in Washington state. I mean Washington, D.C. He won over a million dollars from
“OK, I give,” Danners said. “Why don’t we call him?”
“Yeah, he actually sounds pretty good,” Randy chimed in. “What’s
his name, Suzie?”
First, IT’S AUTHOR AVATAR LAWYER PETER! DRINK!
Okay, with that out of the way, this Colonel is really a
giant ass and I hate his mansplaining, condescending, self-important self so
very much. He’s horrible. Suzie should have just hired Author Avatar Lawyer
Peter herself and left the rest of these clowns to their downfall.
We’re supposed to like these people, and yet Farris has
written them so that we’re in the beginning of chapter six and I’m wishing all
of them except Suzie get burnt up in the clinic fire we all know is coming.
Suzie needs to run far, far away from these people before they destroy her
Don’t offer to call Peter for them, just run, Suzie, run.
Get away from the rest of them and never look back, they aren’t your friends.
Tune in next time for
the rest of chapter six, which I’m sure is going to be a barrel of fun just
like this part was.